hope it would seem is like a a chain around your neck

pulling you through life

instead of letting you just fade

and forcing you to catch just a glimpse

of finally having happynnes

but there is no freedom from this chain

no matter how hard you fight

you can never get away

because it just drags you back

and beats you over and over

never letting you go

it feeds the depression

that overwhelms you

and poisons your soul

hope is cruel

and will constantly laugh

while you are dragged 

through your own misery

finally at the end of your journey

the laughing will stop

it will finally stop

and you are released from your chains

but the strength that once filled your body

has left with age

all you can do is lay on the cold hard ground

and hope you never wake up again

I am broken

beyond repair

because i have been broken so many times

that I was never able to be fixed

I am so tired

so very tired

Of trying to keep my broken peices together

please god please just let me fall asleep

so that I can never wake up in the morning

my final breath will leave my lungs

and I will finally fall into blackness

never having to wake up crying again

but it wont ever happen

because prayers dont go anywhere

just murmoured words that get lost 

get lost in the air

my smile

is not real

and you only see what i want you to see

i could never let anyone inside

for all they will see is shattered reamains of bad memories

they would find out i would have nothing to offer them

and would turn and walk away

but they were never really there for me anyway

I am broken

I am damaged

no one could ever want to be around somoene so cold

who longs for death

and to one day just to let it all go

because i lack the strength to carry on.

i am tired 

so very tired

god please don’t let me wake up again

in a room full of of people I feel all alone

does this ever stop?

My mind is buzzing and the words that come from their mouths don’t translate in my ears

do they even care?

maybe they are trying to care but they are unable to reach me

because the canyon that separates us is to large that the sound gets lost

lost among the dark air

on the other side I can see the sun

but There is no place for me to cross

so I walk along the edge in the cold and rain

thinking things can change

sometimes i sit there with my legs dangling on the edge

ready to jump off

thinking that maybe just maybe it will all go away

but that small voice of hope reaches up and convinces me to turn and keep walking

hoping to find a bridge

to join those people in the sun

or to run into someone on my side

I dont need the sun 

just someone to keep me company

to talk to

and understand what they are saying

we can pass smiles

and learn laughter and words

which were all foreign before.

it would be nice

to finally not be alone for once

yes,I am in a room full of people

and by all means i shouldnt feel this way

but in my mind I will stay

untill the clouds go away

and the rain subsides 

then maybe

just maybe

a place will feel like home someday

walking through the cold corridors I finally reach the door to my apartment.

But i can not bring myself to put the steel key into the lock

I just stand there silenty looking at the door expecting it to change

but it never does

I fall to my knees hoping that god answers the words that i am speaking

praying that he fills the voids

the void of emptiness and despair

the coldness spreading 

I become numb to every human emotiong

but the pain sometimes seeps through 

causing tears to poor down my face

I grip my keys and i notice the little red drops dot the floor

looking down i wonder if i can not just end it all.

my mind reaches complancy

I smile ear to ear and now have the strength to turn the ket

How funnt that such a task that seemed almost impossible seems so easy now

sitting down I look at all my friends and families 

How long will it take them to forget me?

could they ever understand?

this disease has been spreading since i was a child

never going away

always growing

consuming my mind

I have no escape

i am trapped

putting the blade across my neck

I slowly bleed out

so i can enjot a few minutes of peace before my death

I feel trapped behind a wall of stained glass

stained with the dried blood of my own hands

i try as hard as i can to get free

But the glass refuses to break

the beautiful bright blue world is so close

and yet it is still so far

screaming for help even though i know no one can hear

hoping that my voice will reach them

but i have no hope and my life is filled with despair.

What could i have done to deserve this

to be trapped in this never ending dream

as the seasons change my life fades away

The snow falls to the ground

smothering all life that it touches

the air is colder then the bringer of death

as the days are becoming shorter

My dissatisfaction with this life grows

and the noose seems to get longer

isolation is a plague upon my mind

and i believe peace will come with time

until then I am alone….

I am left alone wondering,pondering when this black cloud will be lifted

oh rain,rain will you go away and never come back to me again

everlasting rays of sunshine are what my dreams are made of

but another morning I wake up to to the sad reality of my life

stuck all the time behind the glass wall inside my mind

watching people living full lives while i keep dying day by day inside

never knowing a full human interaction

disconnected from the interaction with the people around me

I scream as loud as i can without a single word being heard

this is my prison and i hope things one day change

then the bright rays of freedom will reign

and i wont be sad anymore

in a boat filled with hopes and dreams

I try to navigate my cynical seas

it is so hard to keep afloat

when a hole keeps the water pouring through the floor

I try and try as hard as i can to throw throw it out

but it all seems to be in vain

i know its wasted time but i want to keep trying.

so i can have feeling of honest love in this life.

because if i die not knowing love

I should have not lived at all.

alone,without anyone’s soul to combine with my own

with every  passing winter

my anger grows stronger

the passing summers

make my heart grow colder

yet,never to the point

where i am still not hopeful

one day I will stop drifting

and reach calmer seas

when i step onto dry land

and be filled with peace and happiness.

deep in my heart i know that on that  day

the universe will reveal my soul mate

Over the still night air

I hear a whisper in the darkness.

what is it you say?

are you the devil or god in disguise??

oh,now i understand

 it is death coming to my home to claim my soul

but it’s ok because it is my time to go

its finally time to join my beautiful wife on the other side

to hold hands in the next life

as the air becomes still

his figure shows at the foot of my  bed

a pale white face

not made of bones but of tightly wrapped flesh

not a single word comes from his lips

but his eyes say it all

the whisper in the darkness was

“it is time”

I lived a full life

and i welcome him like an old friend

then we go to meet my lovely wife in heaven

It looms overhead once again

A black cloud

my unwanted friend

he comes and goes

but never forever

I feel like this is a useless endeavor

its funny to think

all i ever wanted was a savior

to release me from my sin

but i dont think I will ever be redeemed

lost in the the rain

shivers flow through my body

causing my teeth an bones to ache

entering my arm

a needle to numb the pain

and soon

it will remove this dreadful heartache

wrapped in the arms of the cold

i become lost in my mind

a place where no one can go

with the slipping time

my body slowly begins to die

a slowing pulse

that releases my rotting soul from deep inside.

by the time the midnight hour passes by a moment of peace is hard to find
lost in my thoughts I am tormented by the white faced ghost of a forgotten time
whispering into my ear that I have nothing and yet everything to fear
sleep is a long lost friend that has forgotten  me once again

its comforting to know that i will go through the mirror to the other world
to places of bright green grasses and endless fields of ever lasting happiness
This is the place where i am free to do what ever i please
and in this place is where i declared my sovereignty

the peace of mind of never asking the great being why
standing in between the trees I feel the gentle breeze
and i think “oh how can it be?”
that I was allowed to be in a place all my own.


left alone to go where nobody knows i drift down the river of my soul
the beautiful blue water washes away my sins and fills me with laughter.
hoping i can be there forever i never notice the water begins to get colder
being to self absorbed in my dream world i drift to tributaries of dead hopes

standing with my bare toes in the snow I see the half built halls of my ideals
the air is still filled with falling flakes to remind me of the wonderful joys of heartache
looking down i see in the ground a tombstone without life beneath it to make a sound
carved on it says “this is where your pride went to die”

staring in shock i dont understand how to accept this fact
with this my voice is silenced for a mere few seconds
and with fiery anger i yell at god for the sun to fall and the stars unfold
without a sound a pale white hand reaches out from another land to pull me into the abyss

black eyes pierce mine and steal my souls one peace at a time
with tears pouring down I ask them just to take my life
because i cant handle these sleepless nights anymore
the devil in disguise has come to claim my wasted life and a way out of hell it will never find.

i am wondering
through forest,up rivers and into the seas.
looking for something
a form of home,a substance of dreams

forever wanting a place to rest my head
never understanding why i take part in this wondering
armed with vagabond heart a gold
this world will show me all it has to offer

but what will I die when the days have come and past?
do I make my family name a dead end?
or maybe this is my destiny
to never plant roots and have no place to call my own


the dreadful irony of not starting family
when my blood was never there for me in the beginning
is never knowing comfort
abandonment is a scare that does not fade with time

stepping onto that ship
I thought of how i can start over
build that foundation I never had
one that can weather any storm

this will be the ultimate expression of freedom
a voyage of new beginnings
with the salty air and the bells ringing
we set sail into new horizons

I see you standing there
alone,desperate and scared
The words leave my mouth
but you dont seem to reach you

yelling as loud as i can
my words have no effect
your fading away
into obscurity

trying to run yet never seem to move
buildings dont pass by
and the concrete does not leave my feet
what is going on?

with every click of the hand of the clock
fear sinks in
of you being dragged away further
by the cruel keepers of fate and destiny

sitting on the cold ground
My hands become packed
then interact with the assault with force
to create a useless vent of frustration and incompetence

why cant i change things?
do I not own the rights of my frail life?
can i sever the strings that connect my limbs?
these questions are only a young boys dreams

looking up and I see they are all but gone
walking happy with certainty
exhausted from a lifetime of fighting
I except that I can never change Who I am meant to be.

as we walk down the path of life
through the rough dirt ground followed by the tall wooden trees
a wonderful light illuminates all around me
now it is the point where one world ends and another begins
it is the concrete domain of the tall and welcoming city

Not knowing how I got here I examine this with a child’s mind
ever so curious and without fear
No ideas of how I got here come to mind
but I know the answers must be near.

The sunlight is breaking through the morning dew
giving breath to the all that was dead at night
the slow but steady morning routine of the proud working class
knowing that their hands are the key to happiness

with every footstep on the hard man made ground
I hear the crying of a child for its mother
the sound of being alone,lost and scared
children that young dont know any better

sitting down on the bus stop
i watch the morning traffic go by with purpose
the automated rhythm of the 9-5 life
as if they were created by the loving hands in an assembly line
now is that really what we call living or a creation meant to die?

Holding my head in my soft hands i try to remember
who am I?how did i get here?
am I the same as these people?
a disposable corporate tool?

when I Awake I realize it is mid day
all around me things have yet again changed
the traffic has a slower pace
as the people take their place and in a maze of cubicles,desk and chairs

laughing because I dont know my place
I wish i could find a trace of memories past
but deep down inside I know my destiny is something great
Now remembering what that is will be no small

a rolling titan of man made machinery has stopped in front of me
the man who operates this beast looks at me with glazed look
as if he is longing for life or maybe waiting to die
paying the toll of three quarters the bus goes on its way because that is its purpose and place

zipping by the window are people of different times and places
junkies waiting quietly to get their next needle injected to cure their sickness
lawyers leaching off the justice system and wrongly imprisoned
and the middle class man who wishes to make ends meet and not worry about that gives himself an empty stomach so his children may eat.

One citizen is missing on the bottom filthy streets of the city
the slave drive,whip master and the all mighty exploiters
a ruling class with dreams of being kings and Aristocrats
ruling over us in there skyscraper castles and indifferent to the suffering their peasant followers.



all day long I sat on that wonderful bus
seeing different people from different places trying to find purpose in their existence
when dusk arrived the driver polity asked me to step off
as with all things,It must eventually come to its end.

as five rolled on like a tired passerby
I came to the realization that everything is in rewind
the hard working citizens look behind where their dreams run and hide
But they know they will never grow and is just a dried out seed left rotting deep inside

oh,how wonderful it must be to lose all hope and be free
it must be wonderful to swim in the sea void of responsibility
But my curse was left with no memory
or is it a blessing to let me be free of this frightening reality

nightfall has set and the cities roaches ascend
poor,lost hungry they search for food and excepted
because they have all been forgotten by the cities citizens
never knowing an ounce if hope they are left out in the cold without shelter

their eyes pierce me with a murderous rage of jealousy and hate
his hand slides across my neck
with blood poring out my mouth and then I realize my fate
that I will die without my memory and no thoughts of who I am left

that old man is laughing at me
I ask him what is so funny
and he says I am a joke
I am a joke?i say angrily
yes!your a joke i am joke.we are all a joke he replies laughing
He keeps laughing
and laughing
and laughing
He keeps fucking laughing
How are we all a joke i ask
he stops laughing and looks at me
you are born
you work hard in grade school to go to a university
you work hard at the university to get a good job
you don’t get a good job and you are in debt.
you worked all that time to get nowhere
You work minimum wage jobs in order to get handed the scraps hoping for a better future
its really a gamble if you get that job or not

well i guess you tried!
then you meet a women that you eventually hate,then you have useless children
 that you plant the seed of false in hope to start the cycle again
then you die.which is the punchline
all this work you did for your future was a waste of time
the promise of working hard and having a good life was a lie
as the memories of you fade like laughs in peoples mind
you forgotten and people move on without a care
which is fucking hilarious